I have a brand new love.

Welcome my lil man

Hi, my sweet boy!

I’ll fill y’all in more later. I gotta go loves me up some Jake.

November 12, 2008

My little man is coming tomorrow at 8 AM. Keep us in your prayers because me? I’m not so much of a fan of the whole “let’s take all your abdominal innards and make them outards and then take a kid out of one of the innards.”

This time tomorrow, I’ll be a mama. God save this poor child.

PS – Outards is totally a word.

Stolen from Ladybug’s Picnic

I’m too focused on getting this kid to get the hell out of my uterus so this is as close as I can get to an original thought, ok?

1. Who is your man? The hubs

2. How long have you been together? Well, married for 4. Dated for a lot longer. With a break up in there for good measure.

3. How long did you date? Longish time

4. How old is your man? 42.

5. Who eats more? Normally him by a mile but I’m proud to say that at least 3 times during this pgy, I have blown him out of the water.

6. Who said “I love you” first? He did.

7. Who is taller? He is – he’s 6′3″ for God’s sake.

8. Who sings better? He claims me. Whatever

9. Who is smarter? Book smart and stupid trivia? Me. Other crap? Him. We make a nice balance.

10. Whose temper is worse? Who the FUCK said I have a temper? Oh. Right. Sorry.

11. Who does the laundry? I do.

12. Who takes out the garbage? Depends on who can not cram more in there.

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Like looking at the bed, right side? Me.

14. Who pays the bills? Like sitting down and pointing and clicking the bills away (not to mention depleting our bank account)? Me. Earning about 85% of the cash? Him.

15. Who is better with the computer? Him probably.

16. Who mows the lawn? Up until now? Him. From here on out? Someone else. It’s just worth it.

17. Who cooks dinner? Me normally.

18. Who drives when you are together? Him which is fine with me.

19. Who pays when you go out? It’s all the same pot o’ cash. Whoever pulls out the debit card first I guess.

20. Who is most stubborn? Not me. Nope. I’m not. WHAT? I’m not.

21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Hmmmm, that might be a draw.

22. Whose parents do you see the most? His both have died so mine as one of them lives with us. Pray. Hard.

23. Who kissed who first? Uhhh, I think he kissed me.

24. Who asked who out? Our first actual date was with my boss. Don’t ask.

25. Who proposed? Him. with the dog.

26. Who is more sensitive? Probably me. I can be a real bitch but certain things I can’t hang with and that’s why I put forth the bitchiness – it’s easier.

27. Who has more friends? I really don’t know. Me, I guess.

28. Who has more siblings? Me – one step-sister, three half brothers.

29. Who wears the pants in the family? As far as decision making? I’d say me but that is only because he really does not give a crap. I think if he had like a super strong opinion about something, he’d say something.

It’s a good day

First time in 8 solid years, I have had some hope.

Do me proud, dude.

It’s a quandry

When you detest both teams (or parts of teams) who does one vote for? I’m sitting here watching the Giants currently beat Dallas. I have a long standing hatred of the Cowboys (um, assholes – that could be why) so seeing them lose is sorta fabulous BUT I also think that Eli Manning is a giant tool who whined his way out of playing for the team that drafted him. And by whine I mean got his daddy to fix it for him. Fucking spoiled brat. Hmmmm, it’s a tough one. Who to detest more? Any advice?

Oh wait, I forgot. This guy plays for Dallas.

Nevermind. Decision made.

Rooting for NY it is. (I still hope Eli cries at some point.)

Stolen from Misadventures of a Newlywed

Top 4 Wishes:
1. That Jake comes out healthy and cute and fat
2. That tomorrow goes well and no one pisses me off
3. That hubs can slow down on the working at some point
4. That my dad could be here to meet Jake

4 Places I Want to Travel:
1. Greece
2. Italy – too many cities to even name
3. Cape Cod
4. Outer Banks

4 Careers I Want to be Involved in:
1. The kind
2. Where I
3. Sit on my behind
4. and we’d be okay financially

Four things I would like God to say to me at the gates of Heaven:
1. Honey, you cursed a LOT.
2. Did you know that everyone in heaven is a cool 120 lbs?
3. Also, did you know that you maintain that weight despite the Reese cups we have flown in?
4. You tried, darlin – I give you credit for that.

Ok, soooo

I’m still pregnant – 36 weeks to be exact. Lord. I’m tired. I mean, I like this kid and all but I’d like him external like now.

FINALLY had a chance to have Buffalo Wild Wings courtesy of Miss Cheeky. Holy shit, that stuff was good. Jake agreed.

I have PUPP. Look it up. It’s pretty and NOT ITCHY AT ALL. I make pregnancy just sexier than the average woman, no? Don’t hate.

Went to an engagement dinner on Saturday which was nice. It was a good thing we had a nice distraction since LSU played and basically sent in junior high players as their first string. WTF? I could not give one fat rat’s ass but hubs was not happy. He said he anticipated a tough game at least, but not that friggin blow out. It was ugly.

Real Housewives of Atlanta? Proof positive that money does not buy class. Oh and honey, if your man does not wanna be on TV and you can’t even use his name, he’s MARRIED. Does this mean I will not tune in every single week? Of course not. I’ll be glued to it so I can mock.

What? Y’all knew I was hateful.

19 more days of work until I am officially on leave. Unless Jake decides to come early. However, yesterday the doc told me flat out that I am not even a tiny bit dilated. FUCK. I was hoping he would say “holy shit, you are dilated-amundo” and high five me and then tell me the quickest route to the hospital but alas, that did not occur. Today I went and signed the consent form for the Anesthesia Dept so I can get the blessing of an epidural. I hate needles but I hate pain more. Go figure.

My step-mom has to have hip surgery right around Thanksgiving so she won’t be coming to see Fat head right away. Bummer but we have discussed the disappointments that is my family, yes? I think we have covered that. So let’s move on.

I am doing the weekly visits to the doc which are a trip. I am used to going every few weeks and it seems weird to be like “hola, me again…..” Thankfully I love him and his entire staff. They are seriously the nicest office I have ever been in EVER. Quick, efficient, friendly, blah blah blah. If every doctor would take notes of how this office is run, we’d all be happier patients. Just sayin’.

Get this – state senator from my district has finally taken head out of ass and pleaded guilty to one charge of something or other money related. Dumb ass. I love when they replay his incensed denials that he was guilty of ANY WRONG DOING and of course they were going after him because he is black. Whatever asswipe. Also? The US rep for my area is indicted up the wazoo and made it to the run off election. This guy is guilty as sin people. BAD. Meanwhile, fuckwad will probably win since his opponent in the run off is a white female who used to be a newscaster and is not a “local.” God for-fucking-bid. Can’t let a possible YANKEE get in office and holy shit, she’s white too? No honey. Good try though. I did vote for ya, FYI. Since I am forced to live in this pit of hell, I can at least be entertained by the local news, yes? I mean, why not? It’s one debacle after another up in this bitch.

Well, being that it’s 8:20 that means it’s past my bedtime. I plan to plop my ass in bed and read how to get my kid to eat off the boob.

Don’t be jealous.

I steal for fun

The stuff that’s true is in BOLD.

Appearance:
- I am 5′4 or shorter.
- I think I’m ugly.
- I have many scars.
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color.
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance.
- I have/I’ve had braces. Only about 18 months and that was more than enough.
- I wear glasses. Just for the computer, thankfully.
- I’d get/have gotten plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
- I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
- I have had more than 2 piercings.
- I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
- I have freckles.

Family/Home Life:
- I’ve sworn at my parents. Not proud of that one
- I’ve run away from home.
- I’ve been kicked out of the house.
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want to have kids someday.
- I have children. Well, just about. 6 weeks as of today he’ll be here.
- I’ve lost a child.

Embarrassment:
- I’ve slipped out a “LOL” in a spoken conversation.
- Disney movies still make me cry. Fox and the Hound. Can’t take it.
- I’ve snorted while laughing. DAILY.
- I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried. Just recently when watching Baby Mama – when she comes in screaming she is shitting a knife. I had to pause the movie.
- I’ve glued my hand to something.
- I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose. Side note – Diet Coke burns. Bad.
- I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

Health:
- I was born with a disease/impairment.
- I‘ve had stitches. Only in my mouth when I had wisdom teeth dug out of my gums.
- I’ve broken a bone.
- I’ve had my tonsils removed.
- I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
- I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I’ve had serious surgery.
- I’ve had chicken pox.

Traveling:
- I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day. One word – evacuation. I so love living in the south.
- I’ve been on a plane.
- I’ve been to Canada.
- I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
- I’ve been to Japan.
- I’ve been to Europe.
- I’ve been to Africa.

Experiences:
- I’ve been lost in my city. Right after I moved here – several times probably.
- I’ve seen a shooting star.
- I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I’ve pushed all the buttons in a lift.
- I’ve been to a casino.
- I’ve been skydiving.
- I’ve gone skinny dipping.
- I’ve played spin the bottle.
- I’ve crashed a car. Going less than 5 mph but yes, I have.
- I’ve been skiing.
- I’ve been in a play.
- I’ve met someone in person from the Internet.
- I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
- I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
- I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
- I’ve played chicken. As in a pool game or the scary driving game? I’ve done the pool one.
- I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
- I’ve eaten Sushi.
- I’ve been snowboarding. .

Relationships:
- I’m single.
- I’m in a relationship.
- I’m available.
- I’m engaged.
- I’m married.
- I’ve gone on a blind date.
- I have a fear of abandonment.
- I’ve been divorced.
- I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
- I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
- I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
- I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality:
- I’ve had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I’ve kissed a member of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I’ve been kissed in the rain.
- I’ve had sex outdoors.
- I’ve hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime:
- I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
- I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world.
- I’ve cheated while playing a game.
- I’ve cheated on a test. I honestly can’t remember but I’m sure at some point, I did.
- I’ve driven through a red light.
- I’ve witnessed a crime.
- I’ve been in a fist fight. She started it but I slammed her head into a locker. Bitch would NOT leave me be.
- I’ve been arrested.
- I’ve shoplifted. So close to getting full on caught – that stopped me quickly. Teenagers are just stupid.

Drugs/Alcohol:
- I’ve consumed alcohol.
- I smoke cigarettes.
- I smoke pot.
- I regularly drink.
- I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
- I’ve taken cough medicine when i wasn’t sick.
- I’ve done hard drugs.
- I’ve been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can’t swallow pills.
- I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem. (I don’t believe I’ve ever tried this.)

Mental health:
- I have been diagnosed with depression.
- I shut others out when I’m depressed.
- I take anti-depressants.
- I have had an eating disorder.
- I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
- I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
- I’m addicted to self harm.
- I’ve woken up crying.

Death:
- I’m afraid of dying.
- I hate funerals.
- I’ve seen someone dying.
- I have attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Random:
- I can sing well.
- I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily.
- I watch the news.
-I don’t kill bugs.
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme.
- I swear regularly.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I’m a snob about grammar. And yet sometimes I sound illiterate.
- I am a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I have/had “x”s in my screen name. Only since my last name has an X in it.
- I love being neat.
- I love Spam.
- I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
- I don’t know how to shoot a gun.
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes.
- I eat fast food weekly.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
- I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate.
- I bite my nails. I pick more but sometimes I do still nibble. Gross.
- I play video games.
- I’m good at remembering faces.
- I’m good at remembering names.
- I’m good at remembering dates.
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

What I’d like right now

1. For the fucktard up the street to shut the fuck up with his thumping car already. We get it. You’re ghetto.
2. For the fucktard up the street who drives up and down on his loud ass motorcycle. Shut the fuck up, ass. When you do that when I have a sleeping baby, I will fucking hunt you down.
3. For my mother to grow a brain and stop pissing me off.
4. A day off. Where I not only don’t work but where I do nothing for anybody else but me. 24 solid hours.
5. For the laundry to be done.
6. To start maternity leave now. Is 7 weeks until due date too soon?
7. To find my ankles again in their normal size.
8. For people to stop pontificating on and on and on and ON about shit that makes them sound like blustering idiots.
9. For my house to clean itself. Windows too – inside and out.
10. For hurricane season to be over.
11. To stop resenting family members because they fail to live up to my expectations. It’s not that I think I am being unfair, it’s more of why extend the energy on them if they suck that much?
12. For the kid to stop sitting on my bladder. Actually that might be his giant melon now, huh? Jesus, kid – ease UP.
13. For Mr. C from Asshole Companies Inc to realize how pathetic he is and perhaps find a snake in his bed. Nothing poisonous. I’d just like a Code Brown, please.
14. For customer service to exist again.
15. For chivalry to exist again too.
16. For fake assholes to stop waving at me. Dude, do you not recall that I was RIGHT THERE when you talked shit about the girl you are now cozying up to? Yeah, I was. And I have the memory of an elephant. (The ankles too – but that’s different.) Point? Don’t wave at me, whore. I can’t stand to even breathe the same air as you.
17. As my husband says “for me to find some Jesus.” Ass. But honestly, people have been pissing me off waaaaay too much lately and it brings out the ugly. Granted my ugly is only about 2 layers down on some days but fuck if it has not reared its head up a shit ton lately.
18. For a few of my friends to receive some of the things they need in their lives to relieve some of their stress. (Was that the first unselfish thing on this list thus far? Methinks yes.)
19. For Jessica Simpson to realize that there is no one on this planet, not even any and every diehard Cowboys fan, who gives one good shit how she feels about Romo. Frankly I pity the dude because she is a flat out idiot. Sorry but big tits do not cancel out that level of the stupid.
20. For my mother’s birth certificate to turn up unexpectedly when I look for it again or I swear I may drive up there and beat her with a red hot poker.

I think that’s it for now.