May as well start here

So yeah, I started a new blog. I plan to open this one up to some of the people that know me in real life (hi Dutnah) and to continue to keep in internet touch with some of the tramptacular girls I’ve met along the way via their blogs (that’s you, Mel – you poor thing). I figured there will be people here who don’t know them some me, so I’d do the requisite 100 Things About Me list so that you could have some idea of what I am about and my particular brand of “the crazy” and why I might curse more than any nice girl should. Here we go. I do not promise this will be entertaining. I am stone cold sober.

1. I’m married.
2. He’s a complete dipshit but I think that’s what I love most.
3. He also gets me in a way that is a tad scary because really? Two people with my thought process is just never a good thing. He will be referred to as “hubs” in this here blog. I tried using his name once and one of my BFFs (that’s you, Stephanie) had a heart attack. “But he’s HUBS…..I am not used to a name. You must go back to hubs.” Bless her little heart. Hubs it is.
4. When he proposed, I got a beautiful ring and an engagement dog. I love the dog more. Not that I don’t dig my ring because I think it’s just down right purty, but I heart me some dog.
5. His name is Gage. That’s him up there on the masthead. My devotion to this dog is only slight less ridiculous than hubs’ devotion to this dog. Yep, we are those people. I will regale you of stories of the dumbass activities of my dog on the regular.
6. We are actively (wiggling eyebrows) trying to get knocked up.
7. When we first started trying I became the Ovulation Nazi. “What do you MEAN you have to work? I could be ovulating. You can’t work. We need to do it. Why don’t you love me? Am I pretty?” Okay, it was not quite that bad but you get the jist.
8. My doctor told me to dial it down because no one (not even a man) wants to have the sex with a psycho. She also told me to get the hell off the internet baby sites.
9. She be all smart and stuff. Musta been the med school.
10. I write like I speak. While I am educated, I love some slang and will even occasionally lapse into ghetto speak when I feel the situation calls for it. So please don’t assume I’m an idiot. I will prove that weeee-he-he-he-helllllllllllllllllllll beyond any assumption here shortly, ok?
11. We live in Louisiana. I will not even go into why and how much I hate that because trust me when I tell you those posts? Yeah, they will have their very own category and they will be filled with cursing.
12. My hubs has two children, a daughter 20, and a son 17. I shall call them the girl and the boy.
13. Horror/suspense/thriller movies make me happy. Final Destination trilogy, anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
14. I think when my hubs met me he thought he hit the mother load because material wise, I am awfully low maintenance. Then he scratched the surface (of the aforementioned crazy) and realized the extent of emotional maintenance that came with the package that is me and came to the rapid conclusion that he SO would rather I just wanna shop for shoes all day.
15. While I do like to think of myself as smart, I am really just a fount of useless knowledge. I pick up tidbits of random crap like a magnet and it all gets filed away to be blurted out at some point in the future to make me sound all bright and brilliant. Then, I go back to drooling.
16. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. And I’m an only child. The bros and I share a dad. My sis is my step-sister.
17. I am fairly close (as one can be when they are in SoCal and NoCal) to my youngest brother (again, yo Dutnah) and sister.
18. My sister and I wanted to hurt one another when we were teenagers. She was a rebel and I was a judgmental, pissed off bitch. Made for an ill tasting soup. Now? I think she is fabulous and she makes me laugh more than most people. She also gave me a really precious niece so that earned her points too.
19. The name of this here blog is basically my way of telling you that I am tired. A lot. I would nap daily if I could. This could be due to any number of things. I eat like crap. I have to literally force myself to exercise. I’m trying to change those things right now, but generally I’m only one diet Coke away from a coma.
20. My most favorite way to spend an afternoon is with it pouring rain outside (I mean bad, people. Like black skies with rain pelting the windows and the occasional lightning strike) and me on the sofa wrapped in a throw watching one movie after another. Ahhhhh….bliss. Candles flickering and eating my weight in crap food that, somehow, was all calorie free that day.
21. I work from home as a medical transcriptionist. Most days, I adore my job. The fact that I can work looking like hammered ass if I feel like it, don’t have to deal with people (not my favorite thing in the world) and learn new stuff daily is just the coolest. I seriously can’t believe they pay me for this.
22. I started reading blogs by finding Dooce of course. Now I use this as a journal. Granted people can see it but getting crap off my chest is just helpful. So therefore, the people that will know about this here blog will most likely those that I don’t bitch about much. The rest of them? Yeah, ignorance is bliss, bitches.
23. A year and a half ago, I started taking classes to be baptized and confirmed in the Catholic church. I went in with a shit ton of reservations. I now realize that it was one of the best decisions I have ever made and got baptized, took communion and confirmed on April 29, 2007.
24. However, I still curse like a sailor. I am really not certain that ladylike quality will ever leave.
25. I don’t think my priest quite knows how to take me. I just adore him. LOVE HIM. However, I said the following in my first confession “craptastic” and when I was trying to think of the rest of my sins, I finally blurted out with “Oh, wait. Premarital sex??? Yeah, had a LOT of that.” No, I’m not kidding. I was in there 33 minutes. One minute for every year. Charming. I am clearly a work in progress.
26. I waited tables for 5 years total – once at a family type restaurant and the other job was in fine dining. I learned that money does not buy class and that for the rest of my life, I will overtip my server. I’ll take thankless jobs for 800, Alex.
27. My favorite movie of all time is Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. It’s the perfect movie and has every cinematic element one could want.
28. A somewhat close second is What Lies Beneath. It reminds me of a Hitchcock movie. Plus I adore that house. Sigh.
29. My hubs is a fireman. I am proud of him for that. I don’t tell him that often. Usually it’s “wait, this is your ENTIRE paycheck?” (I am so getting wife of the year.)
30. My mother lives with us. Pray for me.
31. My dad died March 5, 2007 from lung cancer.
32. The one good thing to come out of that is that I no longer fear that the worst will happen because it already has. That day changed me profoundly in ways that I am still discovering. I still can’t listen to Frank Sinatra or certain hymns. Just can’t. Not yet.
33. I think Jen Lancaster (www.jennsylvania.com) is by far one of the funniest people on the planet and I am anxiously awaiting her newest book.
34. I can come off as snobby or standoffish to those that don’t truly know me. I tried for years to change this but have just come to the conclusion that is just me and if people would just take 10 minutes to see if I am nice or not, they may be pleasantly surprised. Or not.
35. I think Jack McFarland from Will & Grace is one of the funniest characters on TV ever. I can rewatch old episodes and laugh so hard that it hurts my stomach.
36. When I was in college I was one of the most liberal people EVER, but as I have gotten older, my views have gotten more conservative, but I think some of my opinions will probably never change.
37. That being said, Bush? Is an idiot. Thank GAWD he is almost done and out of office. There is no possible candidate, on either side of the political spectrum, with his level of ignorance so I am hopeful for this election.
38. I love to take pictures but I am not good at it. That does not stop me from doing it though.
39. When Katrina hit, I had to leave my newly purchased home for a period of about a month.
40. I also had to leave my husband who had to stay behind as he is a fireman. That level of suckage is something you can only imagine if you have not experienced it.
41. However, I was one of the very fortunate who, despite having to leave as long as I did, sustained very little property damage. Ten miles to the west though and that storm would have wiped our butts right out.
42. I am fascinated by real estate listings and think I’d make a fab agent. However, they tend to work wonky hours and that’s not cool with me.
43. I might be a tiny bit obsessed with decorating my home for each season and/or holiday. My very laid back hubs just this past year put the hammer down on me making any more Christmas decor purchases. I plan to listen, not because I am this nice, obedient wife but because he is totally right.
44. I am right this moment drinking my morning smoothie which consists of low sugar OJ, flax seed oil, wheat germ, frozen strawberries and frozen blueberries. I do this because the chance of me getting any more fruit than this over the course of the day is pretty damn slim.
45. Sometimes I am startled to realize that I am an adult.
46. I am a woman that loves her some Hooters. The wing joint not the body parts.
47. I am also a woman who will point out well endowed women to my hubs. Why? Him likes him some boobies and frankly, I don’t see what the big deal is if he looks at women. I would like to think that we are secure enough with each other. Lord knows I sure am not going to avert my eyes from some lovely Adonis like creature, so there you go.
48. I used to be much more anal about the state of my home, but I have calmed way down with that. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being such a whacko about that since my house was ALWAYS company ready but most of the time, I’m glad I chilled out.
49. I have a secret desire to be Bree VandeKamp from Desperate Housewives. With the exception of the asshole cheating dead husband and ungrateful daughter. I’m cool with the rest though.
50. I’m half done. This is way harder than before.
51. My husband’s ex-wife and I do not get along. Actually, we have no relationship at all. I have taken to calling her Camel Toe Annie because she has this habit of dressing 15 years younger than her age and about 30 pounds lighter. It’s bad, people.
52. I am a MAN.I.A.CAL Pittsburgh Steelers fan. My devotion to them is real and true and shall always be and whether they win or lose a game can seriously make or break my Sunday.
53. If I ever have the fortune to meet Terry Bradshaw in person, I can promise you I’d cry. Like an ass.
54. My bro, hubs and I saw Franco Harris in Jerome Bettis’ restaurant up in Da Burgh last June and I was so frozen to my bar stool that I did not even get his picture or autograph. It was like all the breath was sucked out of my body.
55. I really do believe that was a little gift from my dad because the day that happened was my dad’s birthday and I think he knew we’d be bummed out thinking about him so he sent me a lil happy in the form of Franco. Thanks, Dad.
56. I detest tea. All kinds. Hot tea, iced tea. It’s all gross. I do, however, love that bottled stuff from Lipton, the diet Green Tea. It’s yumtastic. With antioxidants, donchaknow.
57. Music makes me happy. All sorts. I love 80s music, R&B, rock, country, some rap (but not much), classic rock, pop – the works.
58. When I am really keyed up and pissed off, getting in my car and driving with the iPod blaring is the best way for me to clear my head.
59. At any given time, I generally have anywhere from 8-14 candles all around the house. I love to have them burning while we veg and watch TV. It just makes me feel serene.
60. I never cooked when I was younger. My feeling was always “Um, there’s McDonalds and Papa Johns for that….why would I extend the effort?” Now that I am home, I cook a lot more. I have even gotten fairly good at it. I have not really tried to extend myself much but slowly but surely, my recipe box is expanding.
61. However, I am a baker extraordinaire. I don’t do too many things wonderfully well but I can bake the SHIT out of some chocolate chip cookies and banana bread. Back off, Mrs. Fields.
62. I think the following men are sexy – all for different reasons: Dennis Quaid (dimples…sigh), Andy Garcia, Joaquin Phoenix, Jerome Bettis (Google him if you plan to read this again….it’s just for the best), and Robert DeNiro.
63. I have a standing brunch date with one of my closest friends every Sunday. It’s our chance to keep in touch and keep involved in each other’s lives. I look forward to that all week.
64. When giving directions to my home, part of those are “the house with the obnoxious LSU mailbox.” Yes, we have it. Yes, it’s obnoxious, but it makes hubs happy and that makes it okay.
65. I keep in fairly regular touch with one of my exboyfriends. We are not so much friends anymore as we just have a history. He is a nice guy and I hope he’s happy but more often than not, I walk away from one of his emails only having confirmed why we are no longer together. I am grateful that I don’t feel the need to hide this from hubs. He knows I’m here for the long haul. Or until my next, much richer hubs comes along. Whatevs. 😉
66. I go in fits and spurts with reading, but once I am into a book or books, I am a voracious reader who loves to get lost in a wonderful story while sitting out back on a lovely day with a cold drink and a rotten doggy.
67. I have made some really nice friends by reading people’s blogs and getting to know them via email. I have also met some absolute nasty bitches. That is what made me walk away before. However, I missed the venting so here I be.
68. I have Pottery Barn taste on a Target budget.
69. I hope that when I do get pregnant, I have a healthy boy. Girls scare me. All those hormones and emotions.
70. If I could look like anyone, I would choose a combination of Grace Kelly and Kate Beckinsdale.
71. I need a 12 step program to deal with my magazine addiction. The number of subscriptions I have is obscene.
72. I think my hubs best feature is his legs. He is HUGE so he has nice long, muscular legs with which to hold up all the rest. It’s good stuff, trust me.
73. Remember the aforementioned fatigue? Yeah, I could nap right now. Too bad I have a child’s birthday party to go to. Damn.
74. I have never been pleased with my body shape and figure. When I look back at pictures, I am astonished by how good I looked and how small I actually was years ago. I never saw it then or appreciated it. How ridiculous, huh?
75. The sound of our dishwasher running makes me feel content.
76. I have become what I swore I would not – a reality TV show watcher. Oh, and not the so-called “good” ones like Amazing Race or Survivor. Nope. It’s all Rock of Love and Real Housewives of Orange County for this girl. You may commence with the judging of me.
77. My goal by the end of this calendar year is to be able to run 5 miles without having to stop and walk. My endurance level is PITIFUL so this will be a long haul and will most likely take the entire year to accomplish. I’m okay with that.
78. I have names already picked out for my unborn kids. Anal much?
79. I have this picture in my head of how I’d like our home to look and have a list of projects, some short term, mostly long term for us so that we can accomplish this. That sound you heard? Yeah, that was my hubs going “Fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk….”
80. I am not a patient driver. I no likey traffic and tend to let fly with curse words that would make a hardened criminal blush. I am very slowly working on not being such a psycho on the roads.
81. I find old men just as cute as pie. I adore them. I mean who else could wear plaid pants up to their armpits, a shirt that in no way matches, white socks and sandals and just be CUTE?
82. I think my affinity for the old mens really came about from my father in law. He was a tiny Filipino man who seriously considered himself to be a good 6’3″ when in reality he was about 5’5″. However, despite weighing maybe 1/3 of what my hubs does, he would bow up on him on the regular. “You don’t want none of this son.”
83. He passed away from pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. I just miss him. I am beyond grateful that my hubs got a large part of his personality from his daddy.
84. I never met my mother in law. She died in 1992, but I have heard a ton of stories that makes me feel somewhat close to her. Hubs is certain she’d have loved me. Something about how I give him a large amount of shit on a daily basis and this would have amused her. I know not of what he speaks.
85. One of the first things I do when I get up is open all the blinds and the front door. I love to have a well lit up house with natural light. I just don’t get people who leave their homes all closed off. That’s so bizarro to me.
86. One of my very favorite things is to lie in bed and have my hubs next to me snoring, the dog in between us with his paws pushing into me and my fat cat, Reba, sleeping on my pillow with her fat, fluffy ass in my face. Total contentment in my book.
87. I grew up in Southern California, now live in Louisiana and went to college outside of Pittsburgh. I consider Pittsburgh home though. I miss it a lot.
88. My years in college were the best. I am a raging nerd and loved school. LOVED IT. I went back to my college when I was in Da Burgh last summer and it was just so amazing. It’s grown and changed and the building where I took most of my classes was being demolished but much of it was the same. Just as beautiful as ever.
89. I have had only one man hit me in anger and that was my ex boyfriend. I was shocked by that, but more shocked by the police who came to the house and refused to take him away despite me ASKING to press charges because “well, ma’am we really don’t want to arrest anyone on Christmas Eve.” SERIOUSLY? I did not feel like working a 14 hour shift and then getting backhanded, but life’s a bitch boys. That situation among several others gave me a huge amount of distrust and disrespect for the police force as a whole. I know there are millions of officers who are amazing and do a thankless job for crap pay but I doubt I will ever get past my feelings of being let down by them.
90. Before I leave this earth, I will see Rome and Greece.
91. We have a total of 9 more child support payments to make to Camel Toe Annie (CTA) and I could not be more thrilled. You will hear a shriek of delight on June 15, 2008 – that’s our last payment date.
92. One day before I croak, I will see the Steelers play at home. I don’t care who they play (however seeing them give it to Dallas or Baltimore right up the ass would be GREAT). I just want to be there.
93. I did see them play here in New Orleans against the Saints. I was getting myself situated in my seat when hubs goes “Hey, look up” and there they were on the field, right in front of me stretching out and warming up. I seriously got so excited that I about cried.
94. We leave near a Naval Air Station and while some people are put off by the noise of the fighter jets that occasionally go hauling ass over our neighborhood, I love it. I find it fascinating and thrilling and I try to remember to say a prayer for those men and women. I could not do what they do.
95. When I do pray, I talk to God more in a conversational tone in my head than people do out loud in church. Example: “Hi. Well, I’m here. I made it to mass. I’m tired but I’m here. Please make me be nice today. Please bless XXXXX because I’m worried about them going through XXXXX. Oh, and help me to be nice to hubs. I called him an asshat last night under my breath. I KNOW. It’s not good, God.” I also try to thank Him for the things that I do have in my life but more often than not, it begins and ends with me going “I don’t know what I’m doing half the time, so um, help, please.”
96. I think Snoop Dogg would be a hell of a kick to meet. He cracks me UP on his show. Yeah, he probably smokes a touch too much herb, but he just seems like he’d be friendly to meet. He’d probably also have some fried chicken and Doritos hidden somewhere and that’s always a good thing in my book.
97. I’m afraid I will make a terrible mother. There is little doubt the kid’s first word will be either “Fuck” or “Whatever.” It’s a toss up.
98. I call the kid who visits the young girl across the street Whitey Tupac. He has this habit of loudly thumping down my street and in their driveway with the door open and I really think that one day he and I will be brawling in the middle of the street. If you want further evidence of why we need gun control, I am walking, talking proof of it being necessary.
99. I’ve given up pizza, soda and candy for Lent. Yes, I’m a fucking whack job. I’d sell each of you off for parts if it meant I could have a Cherry Coke Zero right now.
100. My favorite smells in the world are honeysuckle, bread baking, and steaks on the grill.
100a. Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory is my new boyfriend that I share with Katie. I think he likes me better.

Thank you God that I am finally done. If you make it through this list, seriously, you deserve a prize or something.