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It was planned out so nicely.

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See, I know y’all think I’m hateful just because it’s fun or easier or whatever, but it’s all about self preservation. When you are nice, people take it and ruuuuuuuuuun. I have seen it, watched it, and experienced it.

Case in point: Today.

As I have mentioned here and there, my mother lives with us. She has this friend who used to live one street over but has since moved across the river in what has proven to be a financial dipshit move. I mean, bad. However, that is not my story to tell so I won’t. Today, however, is MY STORY and it’s either I tell it and you all listen or I explode and start picking people off with a gun from my roof. Your choice.

Mom’s friend I shall call L. L’s children, who are GROWN, are useless. Completely useless. I have come to realize this through various stories and having seen at least the son firsthand and being none too impressed. I think “totally disgusted” would have been a more accurate phrase. Since I have schlepped Mom and L all over East Kibbip so get each of them out of the house every now and then. Well, useless son (let’s call him Fucker for short) informs L that one day when he is off, he will pick up L, pick up my mother and drop them at a casino that is fairly near my home so they can chill out and have some AARP fun. Well, months went by and we never heard anything about this little field trip – not that I was surprised because as mentioned, FUCKER. Well, L called the other day and said she had finally gotten her son to nail down a date – this Monday. Wait, Monday? Wait. Could it be? Would I actually have several hours IN A ROW to myself???? In my own home? And I am OFFFFFF???? No, it can’t be. That is way too much and can’t possibly be the case, but it seemed that I was wrong. I would have a good six hours to myself come tomorrow and all I kept thinking is “OMG, what to do? Naked laps around the perimeter of the house? Clean the bathroom? Sing Go-Go-s songs at full volume while dancing the cha-cha with the dog?” The possibilities – they were endless. I was giddy just contemplating them.

Then today came. I was lounging on the sofa being a bum since my brunch got cancelled and the phone rang. I see the name – it’s L. I say under my breath “And there goes my tomorrow.” I give my mom the phone and she immediately looks perplexed by what L is saying on the other end. Now, I heart my mom but she is a lil dippy. Looking perplexed is kinda her normal expression so I was not immediately concerned. Then I hear her say “Wait, you wanna what?” while walking into the living room. She then puts L on hold and goes “Um, can L spend the night here?” Yeah that was the start of it.

Basically, let me Readers Digest it for you. Fucker and his baby-makin’ wife had apparently decided they had enough of L and were trying to dump her off. I asked my mom how bringing L here would make things any easier tomorrow in taking them to the casino since they have to come and get my mom anyways so WTF? Mom, still perplexed, gets back on the phone. Turns out, oh the daughter in law could not take them now. REALLY? I’m so shocked. Yeah, I did not see THAT coming a mile away. And I quickly put 2 and 2 together and got “Oh hayull fucking naw” and realized that they wanted ME to take care of L now and get her back across the river tomorrow so they did not have to drive her home. Oh no. Sorry, You already threw a wrench in my naked lap/cha-cha day by making me drive them to and from the casino (I offered since it would give me my hours back and frankly my mom was looking forward to it) but now you want to dump your, frankly annoying as FUCK ass mother, off on me???? Oh no, Fucker. Ain’t gonna happen. So my mom got on the phone with Fucker and straightened it out. I would take them since clearly the HOUSEWIFE daughter-in-law could not find the 20 minutes required to do so. Well, mom got a confirmation. We would pick up L at 11, drop them off and then I’d get them later and I was SURE to stress that I’d be taking L back to their house and they could get L back to her home in Metairie, across the river. Not me. Oh nosiree, Bob. Sorry. I was right there. I heard her plan it out and confirm it with Fucker before she hung up.

Then I leave to take din over to hubs who is in the middle of his 10 day stretch at the station. Bad dog and I went over to let Pooper run around and hubs and I to hang out for a few minutes. We are just chilling when his phone rings. It’s my mom. Calling to inform me that L is now at my house – that Fucker was dropping her off and having the all fired nerve to look confused when my mom said “Uhhhh, L, I was not expecting you.” Yeah, then when she came in to call me, he took the fuck off. I’m so not kidding. I FLIPPED. I’m sorry to say I flipped on my mother but damn it, I was pissed.

When I got home, I apologized to her and explained why I was mad which she understood. But please. Let the fucking record show. I will take them to the casino. I will pick them up and when I bring L back to Fucker’s, I will stomp right into their TRAILER and go right the fuck ghetto OFF. I will do the neck rolling, the pointing, the “oh no, you di’int!!!” Oh yes I will.

Also, I hope they are smart enough not to push me by perhaps conveniently not being home when I go to drop L off. Because guess what Fucker??? I know where you work and I have not one single problem with going right up in there and tearing you several new assholes while your co-workers watch along with telling all of them how your MOMMY paid your cell phone bill despite you being, um, GROWN, married and having several children. Oh yes I will.

And THAT, people, is why I am not nice. Don’t fucking push me, ok?


10 Responses

  1. Good grief. What a mess. I’m going to need a follow up post to this one tomorrow to hear about how all this ends. So what are the mom’s doing tonight? Hanging out and driving you crazy?

  2. Well you COULD just forget to get them from the casino…

  3. I wanna be a fly on that wall

  4. When you do the head roll, pointing & oh no you din’t, don’t forget the snap too.

  5. I’m new to your blog but I think I love you!! Can’t wait for the update!

  6. Oh my gosh… change the names and ages to kids around the age of 8 and you have a clear scenario of the crap you’ll be going through with the same kind of ‘parents’ in a few years. 🙂

    I’m sorry… but in the end, your Mom and L will have a good time and you are the better person for it. I know… that probably doesn’t help at this point.

  7. ack. I do not envy you in any way!

  8. Don’t blame you ONE BIT and it’s probably a good thing you know where he works. You will probably have to track him down. Just sayin’.
    I hate useless ass GROWN childrens.

  9. Cannot wait to read the update…but you are the better child…so atleast your mom can brag about how much better you are than L’s loser.

  10. So.. uhh…. what happened? Or are you in jail for assault? 🙂

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