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Things will be so much bettah when I rule the world.

Allow me to start by describing this friggin funeral I went to. Lord have mercy. OK, now allow me to preface by saying I have never regularly attended a church where I was a minority. I have heard all the stereotypes and all that, of course. I have also never attended a funeral service of an elderly black woman before Saturday.

Something I’ve noticed (and seriously if you are gonna call me a racist for the following statements, save it) is that black people have their own internal clocks. The whole “Well the service starts for 10 so perhaps we should leave the house for 9:30” thing reallllly does not seem to enter their minds. I was blown away. People sauntering in (including my brunch bitch) a good 30 minutes into the service. THIRTY MINUTES. No. People, NO. That’s not okay. If for some reason there was a monumental wreck on the interstate and it necessitated you being that late, you come in QUIETLY and sit the fuck down in the farthest back pew and try to quell what disruption you have already caused as quickly and quietly as you can. You do not saunter yourself and your giant hat up to the third row, make everyone in said row move over so that you and your brood (who may or may not have had SHORTS ON) can park your asses. Sigh. After a certain amount of time, I just stopped being shocked.

That does not take into account the woman who did the whole falling out/yelling at the dead woman to get up/stomping her feet/crying LOUD thing. Please understand that if I thought her actions were truly the honest reaction of a woman just that much in pain, I’d try to sympathize. However when there was music, she got louder. Interesting. Music – louder. Her – even louder. Hmmmm. Interesting pattern. THEN. My friend and I were some of the last to leave the church and we noticed when the church was about 1/4 full and suddenly? Hmmm, rather quiet. Amazing that she managed to control herself once her audience was gone. What a total coincidence.

The following is also not okay in the midst of a funeral service:

-Not taking out your damn blue tooth.
-Putting on make up. (I wish I was kidding.)
-Not at least making an attempt to follow along with the service. It was a Catholic service. If you just look around at what others are doing, then do it quietly. If you don’t know the proper response, sit there quietly. Do not go “What he said? Pfft, I don’t know…..this church ain’t like mines.” Stab.
-Continuing to discuss DURING THE ROSARY how much better the business was when Miss Ruth ran it.
-Not getting it when I shoot you a look that if I had the magical powers I wish I had, would have shoved knives into your eyeballs for you to shut it already.

That was my Saturday. I also had to grab my work hours so since I was gone all morning, that necessitated me working a little later. No biggie but of course I whined. I’d not be me if I let that slide, right? Hubs actually came home from the station in the truck so that…..wait for it……he could watch an LSU game people. They don’t have ESPN-U at the station. Well, cry me a river. Don’t get me wrong – it’s nice having him home but where the hell do I sign up for a job like that? I just tell him “Are those my tax dollars at work? AWESOME.” He normally flips me off then.

Sunday, we went to mass, got the Vocations Cross, ran a couple quick errands and spent the rest of the day here. Swimming, watching yet another LSU game and going through some old boxes of hubs sister’s stuff. We found some really great stuff that I’m so glad we will have for either our child or things we will hold onto for his children. I’m so grateful that hubs BIL held onto all this stuff and made sure we got it. We again found some pictures that we will pass on to aunts and stuff – of their passed on loved ones that I’m sure they’d appreciate. I know I am always so touched when various family members find some random shot of my dad and pass it on to me. It’s a small thing but it means a lot ya know?

Today hubs started a six day stint at the station so we cleaned out alllllll my left overs and packaged up bags of salmon, veg, etc for him to be all set up meal-wise for 6 days. My poor freezer looks so desolate now. I had some errands to run but I do need to get some house cleaning done too. Sigh. I keep waiting for my maid to appear and she is woefully late. Or absent. Yeah, I think it’s absent. Bummer.

Is it sad that the bright spot of my day is that Baby J told me on the way to the mall that he/she wanted Chik Fil-A? I am nothing if not an indulgent mother. Seriously the fact that I have gained only a total of 3 pounds up until now with this kid is amazing. All I can figure is that said kid is living off of mama’s, ummmm, let’s call them reserves.


6 Responses

  1. FYI: The ladies at my work call the internal clock “CPT” better known as Colored People Time. They say it is just the way things in their world. That’s not racist I am sure it is just you being aware of your surroundings plus it make for some more really great writing/reading!

  2. 3 lbs is awesome! I think you should definately give baby J what he/she wants! I’m cracking up at the description of that funeral. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. I guess in order to save time you put make up on once you get there????

  3. I am still hoping someone will do me a favor and burn down the Chick-fil-a right by my place. My ass would really appreciate it.

    Wait until you go to a wedding…oh yeah…those are a trip. Especially the reception afterwards.

  4. Sounds like the wedding I went to when someone brought a dog in. Yes – I said a dog, and it wasn’t a helper dog either.

  5. I have been to a funeral like that.
    People are fucking freaks.

    have you found out what this baby is yet?
    I mean SHIT!

  6. Hello, there. I have just been reading your entire blog, and first of all congratulations on having fallen pregnant! Also, I think you and I have very similar outlooks on things. Also, you are hilarious.

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