What I’d like right now

1. For the fucktard up the street to shut the fuck up with his thumping car already. We get it. You’re ghetto.
2. For the fucktard up the street who drives up and down on his loud ass motorcycle. Shut the fuck up, ass. When you do that when I have a sleeping baby, I will fucking hunt you down.
3. For my mother to grow a brain and stop pissing me off.
4. A day off. Where I not only don’t work but where I do nothing for anybody else but me. 24 solid hours.
5. For the laundry to be done.
6. To start maternity leave now. Is 7 weeks until due date too soon?
7. To find my ankles again in their normal size.
8. For people to stop pontificating on and on and on and ON about shit that makes them sound like blustering idiots.
9. For my house to clean itself. Windows too – inside and out.
10. For hurricane season to be over.
11. To stop resenting family members because they fail to live up to my expectations. It’s not that I think I am being unfair, it’s more of why extend the energy on them if they suck that much?
12. For the kid to stop sitting on my bladder. Actually that might be his giant melon now, huh? Jesus, kid – ease UP.
13. For Mr. C from Asshole Companies Inc to realize how pathetic he is and perhaps find a snake in his bed. Nothing poisonous. I’d just like a Code Brown, please.
14. For customer service to exist again.
15. For chivalry to exist again too.
16. For fake assholes to stop waving at me. Dude, do you not recall that I was RIGHT THERE when you talked shit about the girl you are now cozying up to? Yeah, I was. And I have the memory of an elephant. (The ankles too – but that’s different.) Point? Don’t wave at me, whore. I can’t stand to even breathe the same air as you.
17. As my husband says “for me to find some Jesus.” Ass. But honestly, people have been pissing me off waaaaay too much lately and it brings out the ugly. Granted my ugly is only about 2 layers down on some days but fuck if it has not reared its head up a shit ton lately.
18. For a few of my friends to receive some of the things they need in their lives to relieve some of their stress. (Was that the first unselfish thing on this list thus far? Methinks yes.)
19. For Jessica Simpson to realize that there is no one on this planet, not even any and every diehard Cowboys fan, who gives one good shit how she feels about Romo. Frankly I pity the dude because she is a flat out idiot. Sorry but big tits do not cancel out that level of the stupid.
20. For my mother’s birth certificate to turn up unexpectedly when I look for it again or I swear I may drive up there and beat her with a red hot poker.

I think that’s it for now.

Dear stupid asses at Walgreens:

Please comply with the following:

1. Do not come in with slippers on. I will stare. I will point. I will judge.
2. Do not come in and buy every single thing advertised in their little circular. And when your beanie weanies ring up at 4 cents higher than you thought, don’t make the cashier look in said circular to confirm that you are, in fact, due that 4 cents. I will sigh. I will give you the wonk eye. I will hate you.
3. When the little postcard dealios fall out of the magazine thing you are reading, please pick them up. It takes what? 3 seconds? Stop acting like you don’t see them or else that lady in her slippers is gonna slide and fall on her ass. I don’t want to be her witness in her lawsuit.
4. When the phone rings (yeah, I’m talking to you, cashier) please answer the damn thing. I know you all love to play that “let’s see how long we can make it ring and hope the people on the other end go away” game, but it might be someone who needs their Rx so just answer the fucking thing, ok? Or I will reach over that counter and do it for you. Surely…………SURELY you can multi-task and scan my crap, too, right?
5. When I am trying to come down an aisle, move your fucking buggy. Now. Or else I will belly bump it (yes, I use my in utero kid as a weapon…..annnnnnd what?) and then when you look up and see that you hit the innocent pregnant girl, you will feel like shit and I will fake a contraction. I’m just sayin’.
6. I do happen to love that you put the extra candy like Snickers and Reese’s cups right up by the cashier. Next to the diet pills. The irony is not lost on me.
7. Do not eyeball me as I walk across the parking lot because I left my dog in the car. The car that is ON and RUNNING. With the a/c just blasting. He’s FINE. He is, however, a bit of a drama king. Do not listen to the shrieking that is coming from him. He does it if I leave him and walk the 3 feet to put gas in my car.

Thanks so much for listening to me. It saves me from going the fuck off on you bitches later.

It just won’t happen – sorry

Dear Camel Toe Annie:

Yes, darlin, you tried again. AGAIN. How boring is your life? No, seriously….I’m curious. Maybe boring is the wrong word. Let me think.

PATHETIC. Yes, pathetic fits it well.

You can try all you want to make our lives difficult. And hey, I will give you this, over the past 10+ years, you have succeeded more than once. Several times actually. So kudos to you. You got what you wanted.

Guess what though? At the end of the day, we are still married. We are still happy. Right now, we are in a particularly wonderful part of our lives together and no amount of your bitching, whining, calling, using those kids to your advantage will change any of that. It just won’t. Oh true – yesterday I was so mad I could have spit fire, but as I was lying in bed last night watching Medium (fab show – must watch), something hit me. You won’t break us. You won’t. EVER. It won’t happen. Despite your best efforts of crippling us financially and emotionally, we managed to get married, buy a home and build a life and a future. We will continue to do so, honey. We just will.

Oh, and the best part? You get 3 more months. Just 3. I hope you enjoy that money we give you because in 3 short little, itty, bitty, tiny months, it’s all over. That sound you hear? That’s your gravy train coming to a screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeching halt. And we will pay it. Happily. Because when it is all said and done and we look back, we can each hold our heads up KNOWING that we paid way more than our fair share for the raising of those kids. You know the ones, right? The ones you manipulated into thinking their father is a jerk? Uh huh, them. We can’t control what you tell them and stopped trying loooooong ago.

So please, darlin, for your own sake, find someone else to annoy. Pay attention to your own life and quit worrying about what we are doing or what we have or where we go. Because guess what honey? None of it has a thing to do with you.

Buh-bye.

Open letter to self

Dear Self:

Although chips and queso sounds really great as an afternoon snack, one can not type and eat this particular brand of goodness, therefore you will, more than likely, surf the internet and eat your weight in the aforementioned snack of delight thereby making no money for 10, 20, 30 minutes – also known as the time it takes you to off half a bag and half a JUMBO jar of queso.

And even though this food is, in fact, third in line of perfect foods behind only pizza and Reese cups, one must make a living.

So back away from the bowls, ok?

After one more chip.